Have you ever worried that you’re too attached to your partner? Maybe you’ve been called “needy” or “clingy” when all you wanted was reassurance. In today’s world, where independence is glorified, needing someone can feel like a flaw. And the word codependent? It’s often thrown around like a red flag.

But here’s the thing—humans are wired for connection. We are not meant to go through life alone, yet so many of us feel ashamed for wanting closeness. So, let’s talk about what codependency in relationships actually means, how attachment plays a role, and why healthy dependency isn’t something to fear.

What Is Codependency? And Are You Really Codependent?

The term codependency originally came from addiction treatment, describing a dynamic where one partner enabled the other’s destructive behaviors. Over time, the definition expanded to describe people who struggle with boundaries, rely on external validation, or lose their sense of self in relationships.

Now, if you Google “codependency,” you’ll find definitions that describe it as an excessive emotional reliance on another person. It’s often linked to people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, and low self-worth. But this definition is misleading because it suggests that needing others is inherently unhealthy—and that’s simply not true.

The real question isn’t “Am I too dependent?” but rather “Is my dependency helping or hurting me?”

Attachment: The Missing Piece in the Codependency Conversation

Before we pathologize dependency, let’s talk about attachment theory. According to psychologist John Bowlby, our early relationships shape the way we connect with others as adults.

• Secure Attachment – People with secure attachment feel comfortable depending on their partners and allowing their partners to depend on them. They trust that love and support will be there when needed.

• Anxious Attachment – Those with anxious attachment often fear abandonment and may seek excessive reassurance from their partner. This can sometimes look like codependency, but it’s really a response to unmet emotional needs.

• Avoidant Attachment – Avoidantly attached individuals value independence to the point where intimacy feels threatening. They might see emotional needs as a weakness and struggle to rely on others.

• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, these individuals crave closeness but also fear it, leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships. (Note: This can also be called disorganized attachment).

Here’s the key: Dependency itself is not the problem. Unhealthy dependency (where your sense of self disappears in a relationship) is different from healthy dependency (where you feel safe enough to rely on someone).

The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Dependency

Psychologist Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (which we are big fans of here at Tree City Wellness), says we should shift the conversation from codependency to effective vs. ineffective dependency.

Healthy Dependency (Secure Attachment):

• You feel safe expressing your needs.
• You trust your partner will be there for you.
• You can be independent and connected at the same time.

Unhealthy Dependency (Codependency):

• Your self-worth is tied to taking care of your partner.
• You ignore your own needs to keep the relationship intact.
• You feel anxious or unworthy without external validation.

The irony? Healthy dependence actually leads to more independence. Studies show that securely attached people—those who know they can count on their partners—are more confident, take more risks, and feel more capable in their daily lives.

Where Does Codependency Come From?

For many, codependent tendencies stem from childhood. If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t met—or where love felt conditional—you may have learned to over-function in relationships.

Children who had to be the caretaker or the peacekeeper often grow into adults who believe their worth is tied to meeting others’ needs. As a result, they may struggle to advocate for themselves in relationships, fearing that doing so will push their partner away.

If this resonates, know this: Healing is possible. Recognizing unhealthy patterns is the first step toward change.

Reframing Dependency: Why It’s Okay to Need Someone

In Western culture, we’re taught that independence equals strength and needing someone makes you weak. But the truth is, interdependence is what makes relationships thrive.

Rather than thinking in extremes—hyper-independence (I don’t need anyone) vs. enmeshment (I can’t function without you)—we should aim for secure, balanced attachment.

Instead of fearing dependency, let’s redefine it. Healthy relationships are built on trust, connection, and the ability to lean on each other without losing ourselves in the process.

So, if you’ve ever felt ashamed for wanting closeness, consider this your permission slip: You’re not broken for needing love. You’re human.

Need more personalized support in this area? Our team of relationship therapists in Boise, Idaho are here to help. Get in touch today.

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